SATURDAY JOKES – 53

Posted on May 1, 2021 ยท Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn’t be needed. “Fill it up,” he ordered the worker.
The worker did as he’d been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn’t get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
“Honestly!” the foreman snorted. “There’s obviously only one thing you can do. You’ll have to dig that hole deeper!”

 

The good news, the Lego store has reopened…
People are lined up for blocks!

 

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
“I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Marylou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “You better have a good explanation.”
“Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”‘
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
“What was that for?” he complained.

 

Ted and Julie were in bed together for the first time.
Julie: “I should warn you, Ted – I’ve got acute angina.”
Ted: “Your breasts aren’t bad either.”

 

Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
“Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8, you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy speech!

If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

 

I hired a handyman and gave him a list.

When I got home, only items # 1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

 

A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini. The barman says: “I’ll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The customer replies: “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

 

In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven…
“And who might you be?” inquires St. Peter. “It’s me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and the Leader of the Free World.”
“Oh…Mr……. President! What may I do for you?” asks St. Peter. “I’d like to come in,” replies Clinton.
“Sure,” says the Saint. “But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?”
Clinton bites his lip and answers, “Well, I tried marijuana, but you can’t call it dope-smoking because I didn’t inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can’t call it ‘adultery’ because I didn’t have full ‘sexual relations.’ And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can’t call it bearing false witness because, as far as I know, it didn’t meet the legal standard of perjury.”
With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you somewhere hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there indefinitely, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And when you enter, you don’t have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp.Natural memory enhancer