SATURDAY JOKES – 55

Posted on May 15, 2021 ยท Posted in General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First, a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire district to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled out.

During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked a potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason why he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

“There may be,” he replied. “Juror No.1 is my ex-wife, and if we are on the same jury, I guarantee you that we would not be able to agree on anything.”
Both were excused.

 

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

 

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
“I’m shocked!” she complained.
“This is three times the amount that you normally charge.”
“Yes, I know,” said the dentist.

“But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients.”

No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game,’ when their team is winning.”

 

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

“In English,” he said, “a double negative form a positive.

In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: “Yeah, right.”

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.”
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point, she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”

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