SATURDAY JOKES – 60

Posted on June 19, 2021 ยท Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.”

The bartender says, “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!” So, the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty ringgit and the man walks away.

He comes back half an hour later and says, “I bet you fifty ringgit I can bite my left eye.”

Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, “I just saw you walk in here – you cannot be blind!”

So, he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye.

The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.

 

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,
“Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah? Why don’t you prove it.”
He frowns for a moment, then says, “Okay.”
He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, “Well I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that goat is always bleating, how can you tell?”

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, “That’s silver and it costs 500 ringgit!”
“My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back-room Carl yelled, “Mary, do you want a screw for that hinge?”
Mary replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”
This is why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store.

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and have his or her shoes!

Two tigers are walking through the jungle when the one at the back licks the behind of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says: “Hey, cut it out.” The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way. Five minutes later the rear tiger licks the other’s backside again. The front tiger gets angry, but the other tiger just apologizes.
After another five minutes, he does it again. The front tiger turns and says: “What is it with you? I told you to stop.” The other tiger says: “I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I’m just trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”

 

A young boy had just obtained his driver’s permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the car.”
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, “Son, I’ve been really proud. You’ve brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I’m real disappointed, since you haven’t cropped your hair.”
The young man paused a moment, and then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also.”
To this his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

 

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.
The genius says, “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me 5 ringgit. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you 5,000 ringgit.”
The idiot says, “Okay.”
The genius then asks, “How many continents are there in the world?” The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the 5 ringgit.
The idiot says, “Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?”
The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the 5,000 ringgit.
The genius says, “Hang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?”
The idiot hands over 5 ringgit.

 

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally, the doctor says to him, “This is all in your mind”, and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.”
Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells, “I can cure this”, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks the witch doctor, “What happens when it’s over?”
The witch doctor says, “All you have to say is ‘1234’ and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!”
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says “123”, and suddenly he gets a massive erection.
His wife turns over and says, “What did you say ‘123’ for?”

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