SUNDAY JOKES – 61

Posted on June 27, 2021 · Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”

 

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family and friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
He arrived a half an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, “Think we should tell him it’s a septic tank?”

 

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, ” my wife was reading a “tale of two cities” and she gave birth to twins”
“That’s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading ‘the three musketeers’ and she gave birth to triplets”
The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, ” When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves”!!!

 

At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.
Everyone in the team laughed except one guy.
The Boss asked him, ‘Didn’t you understand my joke?’
The guy replied, ‘Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.’

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.”

 

Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.
Accused: Hahahaha
Judge: I wasn’t talking to you!

 

Which came first?
The chicken or the egg?
Neither… The rooster came first.

 

The other night, I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. “I promise,” were my last words.
The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 am we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.
Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!
Realising that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quite pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos.
The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, “Midnight…like I promised.” He didn’t even raise an eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!
After a moment, he then replied, “I think we might need a new cuckoo clock.”
A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:
“Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, ‘Oh, crap,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

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