THURSDAY JOKES – 54

Posted on May 6, 2021 ยท Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried-and-true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower’s Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old man in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes aren’t our sheep – they’re eating’ them.”

 

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde’s head?
A space invader.

 

At the pre-birth class for couples who already had at least one child, the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.
“Some parents tell the older child, ‘We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.’
“But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’?”
One of the ladies spoke up right away, “Does she cook?”

 

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in a town.
When the children returned to school a few days later, a first grade school teacher asked her pupils whether they had used the time away from school constructively.
“I sure did, teacher,” one little girl replied. “I just prayed for more snow.”

 

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world’s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.
So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. “This must be my lucky day,” he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General’s voice. There was no way he’d make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.
The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.
“I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device,” he said.
“I see,” the Head Scientist said. “But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly.”

 

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “the pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”
“Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied, “so why is their dad carrying that rifle?”

 

So, this old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn.
He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast as possible.
The man walks up to the boy and says “You know son, it’s really not healthy to eat all that candy.”
The kid looks up at him and says, “You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old.”
The man replies “Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?” The kid looks at him and says “No, but he minded his own business.”

 

Patrick hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!”
And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said: “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”
So, he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife.”
“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking partners in the street.
Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?”
She replied: “Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

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