TUESDAY JOKES – 144

Posted on January 24, 2023 · Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

It was the month of April 2020 in a resort town which sits next to the shores of a large lake. It is raining and the little town looks totally deserted. The 5-star hotel in town did not have any guest because of the lockdown.  Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the hotel, lays a RM100 note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one. The hotel proprietor takes the RM100 note and runs to pay his debt to the vegetable seller. The vegetable seller takes the RM100 note and runs to pay his debt to the farmer. The farmer takes the RM100 note and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his seed and fertilizer. The supplier of seed and fertilizer takes the RM100 note and runs to pay his debt to the town’s prostitute that, in these hard times, gave her “services” on credit. The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the RM100 note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there. The hotel proprietor then lays the RM100 note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms and takes his RM100 note after saying he did not like any of the rooms and leaves town. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt and looks to the future with a lot of optimism!

 

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, Jim responds. “You see I have a very bad asthma that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding and I could bleed to death.”

“Okay,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out and walk a straight line for me.”

“Can’t do that either” responds Jim.

“Why not?” demanded the exasperated cop.

“Well, because I’m drunk!”

 

The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries. Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish.

The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a beautiful tropical island!” Immediately her wish was granted.

The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately her wish too, was granted.

Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch today!”

 

Jerry was at a marriage seminar and the leader of the seminar, a lady, was asking everybody how long they were married.

When it was Jerry’s turn Jerry said that he was married for almost 50 years.

“Wow” the leader gushed “that’s amazing, perhaps you can take a few minutes to share some insights with everybody, how you stay married to the same woman for so long.

“Well,” Jerry said after thinking for a few moments, “I try to treat her nicely, buy her presents, take her on trips…………. and best of all, for our 25th anniversary I took her to the Bahamas.”

“Well that’s really beautiful, and a true inspiration for all of us” the lady said “maybe you can tell us what you are going to do for your 50th anniversary” she said with a smile.

“Well” Jerry said “I’m thinking of going back to the Bahamas to pick her up!

 

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you – we’ve looked over your life and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you.

Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the  ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow, that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No, sir” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

 

A drunk climbs on a bar stool in a bar and screams, “All lawyers are sneaky thieves.”
A man stands up and says, “Hey, I resent that remark.”
The drunk shouts back, “Why, are you a lawyer?”

“No,” says the man, “I’m a sneaky thief!”

 

A college student wrote a letter home:

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on my bended knee that you will forgive me.

Your son,
Adik.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back. But it was too late.

A few days later he received a letter from his father.

It said, “Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!”

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