TUESDAY JOKES – 59

Posted on June 8, 2021 ยท Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was the problem, she responded, “well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard.”
Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, “Your nipples get hard?”
“Yes” quite innocently came her reply.
“Undress so I can check” replied the amazed doctor.
So, she undressed, and he got down to feeling and massaging, trying to find an answer.
After some considerable time, the doctor still looked puzzled, said, “Well madame, I don’t know what you have, but sure as hell, it is highly contagious!”

 

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?

Shouldn’t they be wearing nightgowns?

 

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist while a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

 

‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?

A recent widow requested the epitaph “Rest in Peace” for her husband’s tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
“In that case, please add” she said, “Until We Meet Again.”

 

An elderly couple was in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, “I just let out a long silent fart… what should I do?”
The husband replied, “Replace the batteries in your hearing aid.”

 

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use?

Toothpicks?

 

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
“Sir,” the usher said, “if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where are from, Sam?” the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, “The balcony.”

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