TUESDAY JOKES – 64

Posted on July 13, 2021 ยท Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”
Next, they passed the House of Parliament – started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
“Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!”
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
“Whoa! What’s that over there?” asked the Texan.
The driver replied, “I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday.”

 

A man and a woman started to make love in the middle of a dark forest.

After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”

The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

 

After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!”
“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too!”

 

“I’d rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth,” the woman told her dentist.

He replied, “Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair.”

 

There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy who worked in a construction site together. They were working on top of a building one day, and it was lunch time. The Irish man opens his lunch pail and he sees he has cabbage and beef, and he says, ‘If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch, I’m going to jump off of this building!’
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says, ‘if I get one more burrito for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building!’
The blond man opens his lunch pail and gets a bologna sandwich. He says, ‘if I get one more bologna sandwich, I’m going to jump off of this building!’
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the blond guy opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich, so he jumps off to his death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man’s wife said, ‘If I only knew he was sick of cabbage and beef I would have packed him something else.’
Then the Mexican’s wife then said, ”If I only knew he didn’t like burritos, I would have packed something else.”
Finally, the blond man’s wife said, ‘I don’t know what his problem was! He packed his own lunch!”

 

What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, while a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

 

Why can’t you hear rabbits making love?

Because they have cotton balls.

 

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Oh, my gosh”, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day; you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.”

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