The Person Who Makes You Most Miserable… Is Yourself
“She made me miserable.”
“He ruined my life.”
“It’s all her fault that I am so depressed.”
“I’m so unhappy because of him.”
I can’t remember how many times I’ve heard these words from people around me. And every time, it makes me very sad, not because they are so unlucky that some other terrible people have made their lives miserable, but because they don’t see that it is their own choice to feel that way.
Anyone can do anything — intentionally or unintentionally — that negatively impacts us, and we cannot control what other people do or say. Even the nicest people can hurt us. Sometimes, people that cause us pain don’t have control over a situation that hurts us.
Even though we don’t have control over many situations and what other people do or say, we can still take control of our own happiness.
There are three ways to take control of your happiness:
1) Control your mind – change how you let the undesirable situations, words, and actions affect you emotionally
2) Stop making yourself unhappy – recognize how you make yourself unhappy, and then stop
3) Take actions to become happy
1. Control Your Mind
Controlling your mind does not mean that you should not feel angry, frustrated, sad, disappointed, or resentful. In fact, you must. You must let yourself experience those negative feelings. You must acknowledge your feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, and resentment instead of fighting them or denying and ignoring them. Then you need to recognize that those emotions come and go. They are a part of your life, and there is nothing wrong with experiencing those negative emotions. In fact, whether positive or negative emotions, they are the testament that you are alive and living life.
Controlling your mind means that you do not allow your thoughts to convert those negative emotions into unhappiness. Emotions are by themselves just emotions. But over time, if you keep dwelling on negative emotions, you make them bigger than they need to be — they occupy more space than necessary in your heart and mind. You create and re-tell sad, upsetting stories and make yourself a victim of the unjust world. When you say, “I feel angry and sad that he/she did this,” you simply state your feelings. Feelings come and go, and you can take action to alleviate or eliminate your negative feelings. But when you say, “I am so unfortunate to have met him/her. He/she makes me miserable,” you then turn your feelings into an unhappy story. You turn a normal person with feelings — yourself — into a victim, and you give up the control of your own happiness to another person.
2. Stop Making Yourself Unhappy
The most common thing people do to themselves to be unhappy is to do nothing and stay in an unhappy situation.
It is easier to do nothing and be unhappy than to do something and be happy. Therefore, it’s not surprising that a lot of people choose to be unhappy. Some people choose to stay unhappy out of habit. They are used to the unhappiness and accept it as a part of their lives. They give up on being happy and tell themselves that no one, no relationship, or no job is perfect.
It’s true that nothing is perfect. But that is not a justification to stay unhappy. Some people choose to stay unhappy because of fear — fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear that things could be worse. If fear is holding you back, remember that the scariest thing is to know that you will be unhappy like you are now for the rest of your life, if you do nothing about it. Some people choose to stay unhappy because they feel guilty of being happy or of making other people unhappy. They often forget that they can’t always take full responsibility for the happiness of other people.
When you do nothing to get rid of unhappiness, you are choosing to be unhappy. You can choose to be happy only when you love and respect yourself, striving to see yourself happy no matter what it takes.
3. Take Actions to Become Happy
To be happy, you need to either improve or walk away from undesirable situations.
To improve undesirable situations, communication is the key. If you don’t tell other people about what makes you feel happy, angry, or sad, other people cannot understand you or help you improve the situation. If you don’t listen, you won’t know that most people don’t want to hurt you and want you to be happy. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t say no, you will always get into upsetting situations.
However, a lot of time people don’t know how to communicate effectively, and all they do is try to make other people feel guilty and unhappy instead of trying to make themselves happy. Throwing tantrums, cursing, yelling, attacking, giving someone the silent treatment, withdrawal, and plotting revenge are not communications that can make you happy. These types of communication might cause pain to other people, but they do not get rid of your own pain.
To be able to effectively communicate your needs without being emotional is a very important happiness skill that you need to learn and practice. Sometimes, when people are upset and angry at each other, it is difficult to communicate effectively. Using a third party — such as a therapist or a mediator — can help facilitate communication.
Not until you have done your best to communicate and understand each other that you can choose to take another action to be happy – that is to walk away from the situation. Walking away from an undesirable situation can be very difficult. Some people are attached to other people and things in their lives. Some people stay in an unhappy marriage or a job because of financial reason. They don’t want to lose material comfort, a big house, and a luxurious lifestyle, or they are concerned about their image and what others think of them. They forget that material possessions and opinions of other do not necessarily make them happier. Some people are afraid of being alone, and they forget that being with someone that they cannot connect to is often worse than being alone.
One Important Prerequisite of Happiness
Whether or not you decide to improve or walk away from the undesirable situations, there is one important prerequisite of happiness: to forgive. You cannot communicate with an open mind if you don’t forgive. Without forgiveness, your communication will only be arguments rather than problem solving. You also cannot completely walk away if you don’t forgive. You cannot really leave a person or a situation and be free unless you forgive and let go of your anger, sadness, bitterness, and resentment toward that person or that situation.
We forgive because we love ourselves and want happiness and peace in our hearts. We forgive because we know that other people also want happiness and peace in their hearts. Even people who hurt us are often fighting with their own pain and need a lot of compassion from us. To forgive does not mean that you are weak and let other people take advantage of you. In fact, only when you can forgive will you have the strength and courage to stand up for yourself, do what is best for yourself, and make yourself happy.
Take Responsibility of Your Own Happiness
You have an option to stop being unhappy and to start being happy. When you let yourself become unhappy, it is your choice and your responsibility. If you blame other people for making your lives miserable and unhappy, you disempower yourself and lose the ability to end your own misery and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and choose to stay in an unhappy situation, it is nobody else’s fault except your own. -courtesy of happyskills.com
