Question raised:
I have been the kind of person who struggles in life to get to every goal that I set in my life. And I love it. I like to work hard for something and I love the feeling of achieving my goals through working hard. And that is how it has always been and Alhamdulillah I have no regrets. But if there is one thing that I abhor in life is the feeling of competitiveness especially if it is between me and a family member. I don’t mind competing in school when at the end it only affects my grades. In fact such kind of competitiveness is found healthy as it is a form of positive reinforcement. For instance, I work hard in school for a better grade and if there is someone that I need to compete with in class; then it would actually boost up my drive for better grades. However, the kind of unhealthy competitiveness that I am talking about involves my cousin who is 2 years OLDER than me and always does the exact same thing that I do. I would set my goals in life and I would pursue it. She would do the same. And even worse, she puts it out there and likes to show off that she could achieve what I have achieved. And I mean things like the path of career that I chose. I studied nursing and she used to study accounting. She then changed it to nursing. I moved out and rented a place for myself. She did the same. I started working in a hospital, she would do the same. I decided that it was time to get a new car. She did the same. I decide to travel for vacation to a different state and she did the same and actually went to that same spot that I had been. I chose to quit my job and focus on my nursing program. She is doing the same. I hate this because I feel a negative vibe toward this kind of competition. I don’t want to compete with my own cousin toward my own goals. Why couldn’t she just be herself and live her life and choose her own goals and different paths? I mean I understand if she chose nursing as a career instead of accounting then why does she have to mimic every move I make. It makes me ill at ease as I feel like she might have hasad toward me. I want to overlook all this and just focus on my own goals. But she doesn’t make it easy on me. She likes to rub it on my face each and every time she gets an opportunity. Just the other day in front of many family members she said out loud that she wouldn’t be happy until she could lose weight and look the same like me. I find this behavior very unhealthy and I don’t know what to do about it. Please advice. JazakaAllah.
Answer:
Assalaamu `alaikum,
Why do you worry about someone who has a problem with their own self worth and confidence?
It’s human nature to envy someone when you think they have something you want or need, and especially when you have a perception of lack. The envious lack self-belief and have a troubled self-image and so they project their own negative feelings onto others.
What your cousin is doing is making you feel ill at ease and uncomfortable when actually she is the one not at ease with herself. People with an inferiority complex focus on others and try to become them as a way of coping.
The best thing to do if you think you are on the receiving end of your cousin’s envy is to:
- Remain quiet and only defend yourself to the point of truth.
- Be very careful not to be drawn into actions that are not good for you.
- Resist the temptation to challenge the situation because people who are at that level will turn the situation and make it out to be you who has a problem with her and its not worth it as she is the one with the problem.
I’m sure family members will have noticed her behaviour if she is so overt about it so getting drawn into any conflict will only give fodder to people who do not need to know how you feel.
Even though I understand this must be extremely irritating and upsetting but my best advice is ignore her and think positive thoughts in her presence to prevent you from feeling uncomfortable and don’t give this matter any attention at all because I think people like your cousin want a reaction deep down.
Gradually she may realize that you are not reacting and hopefully she will move on from her difficulties. Most importantly, this is not your problem but your cousin’s.
Good Luck
Wasalam.
-onislam.net
