RAYA JOKES

Posted on May 24, 2020 · Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

There was a cruise ship, among the passengers, a French, a Japanese, an Indonesian and a Malaysian.

The cruise ship suddenly hits an iceberg, the Captain of the cruise ship announced to all the passengers to throw their luggage from the deck to the sea to slow the sinking of the cruise ship. “There are no lifeboats on board, so please bear with me” he said.

Firstly, the French threw all of his wine bottles, saying “In France, we have a lot of wine, so I don’t feel sad if I threw these wines”.

Secondly, the Japanese threw all of his Japanese electronic gadgets (smartphone, camera, DVD player, camcorder, etc), saying “In Japan, we have a lot of these electronics stuff, so I don’t feel sad if I threw these electronics”.

Thirdly, the Indonesian threw all of his Gudang Garam/Djarum cigarettes, saying “In Indonesia, we have a lot of these cigarettes, so I don’t feel sad if I threw these cigarettes away”.

Lastly, the Malaysian did not bring any luggage, so he went and threw the Indonesian off the cruise ship, saying “In Malaysia, we have a lot of these Indonesians, so I don’t feel sad for throwing him off-board”.

 

A travelling foreigner came to Malaysia and stayed at a hotel. The bellboy at the hotel is a lady and she carried his luggage for him to his room. The lady thought that foreigners would give reasonably good tips, so she asked “duit duit”. The foreigner misheard her and thought she was saying “do it, do it”. While the foreigner was raping her, the lady pleaded “tolong, tolong”, the foreigner thought she was screaming “too long, too long”.

 

A Malaysian-Chinese girl married a white man and moved to the United States with him. One day, the couple went out for dinner to a fancy restaurant.

When the ordering time came, the white man was gentleman enough to order for his Malaysian wife.

The husband: For the entree, I would like a serving of prawn skewers. And for this donkey, she would like a serving of shrimp cocktail. The waiter was confused. He thought he heard wrong.

The husband: For the main dish, can I get this baked salmon for myself and the seafood fettuccine for this donkey?

The waiter realized that he heard correctly the first time and he was very angry how rude this man is to his wife.

The husband: For dessert. I would like to get the chocolate mousse and this donkey would like the banana split. Thank you.

The waiter reluctantly took his order and tried to think of a way to get back at him for mistreating his wife.

Halfway through the meal, the husband stood up and walked towards the washroom. The waiter took this opportunity and went into the washroom with him and beat the shit out of him. The husband passed out in the washroom and the waiter came out to talk to the wife.

The waiter: Your husband is a very rude man. You deserve someone better than him! I don’t understand how he can call you a donkey.

The wife: “Yalor! He hor is like that one lor. He hor, always calls me donkey one, but I dunno why also”.

 

Four ahbengs owed the loan sharks a lot of money, so they decided to start their own business to earn some money. They opened a car wash. The first day, they had no customers. The second day, still no customers. After one week, they had not a single customer! They decided to bring their smart friend to the shop to figure out why. The friend came to the shop and discovered the reason.

The car wash was on the 5th floor.

After the failed car wash business, the ahbengs decided to find another way to earn money. They rented a taxi and decided to work as a taxi driver. The first day, no business. No customer seems to want to ride the cab. The second day, no business. After one week, they have not made a single cent. They decided to bring their smart friend to figure out why. The friend met up and discovered the reason.

The four of them were all in the taxi.

 

Two robbers who were escaping the law went into a jungle and got lost. They came across a hut where an old man lived and begged him to let them stay for the night. The next morning, the robbers decided to leave but not before taking everything valuable in the hut. As they walked out of his door, they found the old man waiting for them with a shotgun in his hand.

The old man was furious that the two robbers would steal from him and wanted to shoot them straight away but the robbers begged for their life so the old man said he would spare them if they went around the jungle and brought back ten of the same fruit. Both robbers set off, knowing that the old man had his eyes and shotgun trained on them.

Ten minutes later the first robber returned with ten langsat. The old man then told him to bend over and insert the langsat one by one into his ass. If he made any sound at all the old man would shoot him. If he could fit all ten langsat up his ass, he was free to go with his life.

So the robber began the most excruciating task of his life. One by one he stuffed the langsat up his ass.. Until finally, he was down to the very last langsat when he suddenly burst out laughing. The old man pulled the trigger at once, the robber died and went straight to hell.

There he met the demon on duty at the gate whose curiosity was piqued when he read the robber’s case file.

The demon asked: “It seems to me like you could have gotten off easily if you hadn’t laughed at that last langsat. Why did you do it?”

“I couldn’t help it. I saw the other guy coming back with ten durians.”

 

A Chinese official invites a Malaysian official to his house

The Malaysian official is in awe that the Chinese official’s house is a big and luxurious mansion, so he asks him how did he manage to own such an estate with a public servant’s salary.

The Chinese man takes him to the balcony and points to a half-built bridge.

“See that bridge? I used half of its budget to build my mansion.”

Six months later, the Malaysian official invites the Chinese official to his house.

This time, the Chinese official is shocked by the Malaysian official’s incredibly luxurious, huge and beautiful mansion, many times more expensive than his own.

So he asks the Malaysian how did he managed it with a public servant’s salary.

The Malaysian official brings him to the balcony and points out:

“Do you see that children hospital there?”

“What hospital?”

 

An American, a Russian and a Malaysian are having a conversation

The American says: “We have the best stealth planes ever. We can fly our B-2 stealth bomber over Beijing and the Chinese will never see.”

The Russian, not willing to be outdone, says “We also have excellent stealth planes, so stealthy like Khrushchev and very accurate. 100% not bootleg.”

The Malaysian said, “We have the best stealth plane ever. MH370 hasn’t been found for over 6 years”.

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