Posted on May 23, 2020 · Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink liquor?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.


There’s a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They’re going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don’t work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don’t work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, “Don’t worry! There’s a stop sign ahead.”


At the doctor’s clinic, Tom was getting a check-up. “I have good news and bad news,” says the doctor. “The good news is you have 24 hours left to live.” Tom replies, “That’s the good news?!” Then the doctor says, “The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday.”


Paddy and Murphy are having a pint in the pub when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, “Murphy, why is it them, deep-sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with their air tanks on their backs, and fall backward out of the boat?” Murphy thinks for a minute then says, “That’s easy. It’s because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the blooming boat!”


A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, “Dude, I’m Jesus Christ!” And the priest says, “No son, you’re not.” So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!” Then the priest says, “No son, you’re not.” Finally, the drunk had enough and said, “Here, I’ll prove it.” He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re back AGAIN?”


Q: Why is a river rich?

A: Because it has two banks.

Q: What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

A: No ballroom.

Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up?
A: Because he could never lie.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: “Meet you at the corner!”


Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don’t know the words.


Q: Who earns a living by driving his customers away?
A: A taxi driver.


A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn’t notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.


Man- What would you do if I won the lottery?

Wife- Take half and leave!
Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here’s 10, now get out!


A disciple went to his master and said, “I have served you faithfully for ten years. Now I have a wish: give me something to eat which will never end.” His master said, “Here, have some chewing gum.”


Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No.
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.
Son: Okay then!
Dad goes to Bill Gates.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of the world’s greatest bank.
Bill Gates: Okay then!
Dad goes to the CEO of the world’s greatest bank.
Dad: Make my son the CEO.
CEO: No.
Dad: My son is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
CEO: Okay then!

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