SUNDAY JOKES – 22

Posted on September 28, 2020 ยท Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

A holy man, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat. A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.
Finally, the holy man feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around. The priest and the minister finally drag the holy man back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, “Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were.”

 

Little Mary talking to Little Johnny: I found twenty cents on the sidewalk.
Little Johnny: That’s mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning.
Little Mary: But what I found was two ten-cent coins!
Little Johnny: That’s it. I heard it break when it hit the ground.

 

I worry about the germs in the holes of the bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I’m amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You’re wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

 

You call your spouse and tell her that you’d like to eat out tonight.

When you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

 

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher. “You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted. “It means the car won’t start.”

 

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?”
The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”
“Great!” says the man, “but what if I can’t reach them?”
“Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.
“Do you want to try?”
“No, but thanks anyway.”
“Why not?”, asks the barman.
“The steaks are too high.”

 

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
“Really bad,” said the second bee. “The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren’t any flowers or pollen, so I can’t make any honey.”
“No problem,” said the first bee. “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit.”
“Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, “How’d it go? “Great!” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be.”
“Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.
“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee. “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”

 

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he’s a little too well-endowed. In fact, it’s 25 inches long and he can’t get any women to make love to.
Anyway, the doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. “Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you’ll be 5 inches shorter.”
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, “No.”
The guy looks down and sure enough, he’s 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks — let’s try that again. “Will you marry me?”
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, “No!”
Zappo! — the guy’s down to 15 inches. Well, that’s still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So, he calls across again, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The irritated frog yells back, “Look. How many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!”

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