THURSDAY JOKE – 11

Posted on July 9, 2020 · Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.
One day, his commitment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.
April asked Harry, “what is something you’ve really missed being out here on a deserted island for so long?”
“A clean shirt,” was Harry’s response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.
April let out a short huff, but persevered: “Surely there’s something you’ve really missed out here…all alone…on an island with nobody all this time?”
“Oh wow, yeah, there sure is: I’d really like a dry pillow to sleep on.”
April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, “C’mon, Harry, wouldn’t you like to play around?”
Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. “Don’t tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there, too!!!”

 

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer – a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s clothing.

He said, “Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them, and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”
The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don’t worry about the cows!”
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, “My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”
The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don’t worry about the cows!”
After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express his concern. “Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows.”
“Don’t worry about the cows!” the lawyer said. “The cows will be ours!”

 

On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window.
Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light.
Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”

 

After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.”

My mother, un­impressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”

The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in.

“Cool, Grandma!” he said. “Now take off your arm.”

 

An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. “Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape,” says the doctor afterward. “How do you do it?”
“Well,” says Mr. Smith, “I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me.”
Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
“I don’t think that’s anything to worry about,” she says. “And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge.”

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says “See it has a long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies. Next, she holds up a picture of a zebra. One of the students holds up his/her hands. “See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. “Very good Billy,” the teacher replies. Next, she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this? Still, no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”

Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard.”

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey! How about it, babe? You and me ?”
As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”
She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch ?”

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