THURSDAY JOKE – 5

Posted on May 28, 2020 · Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. The next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this, he tries the next weight loss plan; 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master’s program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still, he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door is a hulking 300-pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!” The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34!

 

“Babe is it in?” “Yea.”

“Does it hurt?” “Uh-huh.”

“Let me put it in slowly.” “It still hurts.”

“Okay, let’s try another shoe size.”

 

A teacher was wrapping up class and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death. One smart male student asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”, and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss about divorcing her husband.
“Don’t you love him anymore?” asked the lawyer.
“Oh, I still love him,” she replied, “but all he ever wants is make love, I can’t take it anymore.”
“Instead of divorcing him, why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her.
“Not so fast,” she replied. “From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room, and $50 in the bedroom.”
“Well, then,” he said. “Here’s $50.”
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand. “That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”

 

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas.”

 

With their faith in humanity restored after the pandemic, a couple attends a concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuables have been taken from throughout the house, from the basement to the attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

 

Three people get arrested and are taken for questioning. The officer talks to the first girl, asking, “What’s your name?” She says, “Yo”. The officer asks, “What are you in for?” She responds with, “Blowing bubbles.” The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl, “What’s your name?” She responds with, “Yo-Yo”. The officer asks, “What are you in for?” She responds with, “Blowing bubbles.” The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says, “Let me guess, your name is Yo-Yo-Yo.” The guy replies, “No, it’s Bubbles.”

 

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra. The mom asks, “Why on Earth do you need that?!” The little boy says, “Isn’t that what you give daddy when his willy doesn’t get hard?”

 

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why she went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says “Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.”

So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall, there are millions and millions of clocks. She can’t help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St Peter returns she asks “What’s the deal with the clocks?”

St Peter replies “There is a clock on the wall for every man on Earth”.

Hillary asks “Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?”

St Peter replies “That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery”.

Hillary asks, “Well, is my husband’s clock on the wall?”

St Peters replies, “Of course, not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan”.

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp.Natural memory enhancer