THURSDAY JOKES – 89

Posted on January 6, 2022 · Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?” “Yes”, said the wife.

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?

A: I think I am coming down with something!

 

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst.

He is at home one day, resting in his bed.

He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”
His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”
The man goes, “Are my children here?”
“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
“Are my other relatives also here?”
And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”
The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light turned on in the kitchen?”

 

Q: What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?

A: Clean Jokes!

 

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang.

The six-year-old picked it up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” and she began telling him about her day.
She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.
When it was finally the wife’s turn to talk, she took the receiver and said, “Hi, honey.”
“Thank goodness, lady,” the voice on the other end replied. “I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!”

 

Q: Why did John throw the clock out of the window?

A: Because he wanted to see the time fly!

 

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m becoming a Catholic.”

 

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, “Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?”
The mother replies, “Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work.”
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, “Ah, come on, lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud… They’re hookers!”
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, “Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?”
The mother replies, “Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?”

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