TUESDAY JOKES – 20

Posted on September 8, 2020 · Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

Abdullah went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said Abdullah.
Six months later the doctor met Abdullah on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

The butcher asked if I wanted my meat measured in pounds or kilograms.

I said either weigh would do.”

 

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The carpenter replied, “Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches.”
“What? How come you are so sure of that distance?” asked the lawyer.
“Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me, so I measured it!”

So, a burglar broke into my house…
I put the red dot on his chest and my dog did the rest!

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, ‘Hey, we have a drink named after you!’
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, ‘Oh, you have a drink named Steve?’

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they saw a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.
Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: “Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

Helium was up, feathers were down.
The paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
The knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And the batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market

 

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odour this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.
Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name all of them!

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