TUESDAY JOKES

Posted on April 28, 2020 · Posted in Blog, General, Gold Member, Personal

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins — and they’re all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?” The guy replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the beach!”
A repeat offender was brought before the judge, who said, “Haven’t I seen you in here several times before? And didn’t I tell you I never wanted to see you in my Court again?”

The offender replied, “Yes, Yang Ariff, that’s exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come anyway!”
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature, the vet pronounces it dead.
Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis, the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There,” says the vet. “Your hamster is dead.”
Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.
The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking its head.
“It’s definitely dead sir,” says the vet.
Convinced, the man asks how much he owes.
“That will be RM1,000, please.”
“RM1,000 just to tell me my hamster is dead?” fumes the man.
“Well,” says the vet…. “There’s my diagnosis, the lab report, and the cat scan.”
Census Taker: ‘How many children do you have?’
Woman: ‘Four.’
Census Taker: ‘May I have their names, please?’
Woman: ‘Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.’
Census Taker: ‘Okay, that’s fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?’
Woman: ‘Because we didn’t want any More.’
What do you call a pony with a cough?  A little horse!


Why did M&M go to school?  He wanted to be a Smartie.

What did one traffic light say to the other?  Stop looking! I am changing!What’s a foot long and slippery?  A slipper!

 

Why do French people eat snails?  They don’t like fast food!

What is red and moves up and down?  A tomato in an elevator!

What is sticky and brown?  A stick!
 

Why doesn’t the sun go to college?  Because it has a million degrees!

 

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

 

What do you call a singing laptop?  A Dell!Why are skeletons so calm?  Because nothing gets under their skin.

 

How do trees get online?  They just log on!
 

Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it is the whole sentence.


Why did the orange stop?  It ran out of juice!

I never make mistakes. …I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

What did the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it!
 
 
 

Teacher: Are you good in history?
Little Johnny: Yes and no.
Teacher: What does that mean?
Little Johnny: Yes, I’m no good in history.
 
A Malaysian Chinese walks into a bar in New York late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
 

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says “You, Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.

The astonished Malaysian replied “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor. It was the Japanese.”

 
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same” replied Spielberg.
 
In return, the Malaysian gives Spielberg a slap and says “You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.”
 
Shocked, Spielberg replies “It was a iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
 
The Malaysian replies “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”
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