WEEKEND JOKES

Posted on April 25, 2020 · Posted in Blog, General, Memo Plus Gold, Personal

Kassim, an elderly man from Pahang, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, and planted some durian, mangosteen and rambutan trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw a group of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
Kassim frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up, Kassim said, “I’m here to feed the crocodile.”

If you are obsessively compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don’t press anything.

 

How does a rabbi make coffee?  Hebrews it!

Rest in peace boiling water.  You will be mist!

How do you throw a space party?  You planet!

Want to hear a construction joke?  Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.

Talk is cheap?  Have you ever talked to a lawyer?

Why did the gym close down?  It just didn’t work out!

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw!

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?  A stick!

You know what I saw today?  Everything I looked at.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

Have you ever tried eating a clock?  It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.

It’s cleaning day so naturally, I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.

Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.

Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags is torn, and every once in a while a RM20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, “Puan, there are RM20 bills falling out of your bag.
“Oh, really? Damn it!” says the little old lady. “I’d better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money?’ You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On match days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, ‘RM20 or off it comes.”
“Well, that seems only fair.” laughs the cop. “OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, you know”, says the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

My brain is like the burmuda triangle. Information goes in and then is never found again.

 

A President, the Pope, a doctor and a little boy scout were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.
Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.
Spontaneously, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had to jump out, and he bailed himself out.
Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m Dr Adham Baba, I save lives in Malaysia during the current pandemic, so I must live,” and jumped out.
The President then said “I’m President Trump. I’m the smartest and most powerful man in the world, I deserve to live for the sake of mankind!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped out, also.
The Pope looked at the little boy scout and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”
The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the Pope and said “Not to worry, Pope Francis. ‘The smartest and the most powerful man in the world’ just jumped out with my back pack.”

Ahmad (92 years old) and Fatimah (85 years old) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss their wedding plans and on the way, they go past a pharmacy.
Ahmad suggests that they go in. Ahmad addresses the man behind the counter:
“Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers ” Yes”.
Ahmad: “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Ahmad: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Ahmad: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Ahmad: “How about Viagra”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Ahmad: “Medicine for memory?”
Pharmacist: “Yes surely, Memo Plus Gold.”
Ahmad: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Ahmad turns to Fatimah: “Sweetheart, we might as well register our list of wedding gifts with them.”

A photographer for the national newspaper, The Star, was assigned to get photographs of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his head-office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!”
The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp.Natural memory enhancer